Guilt
by mm424
Summary: Kandy scenes from the last three episodes of Season 2.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The OC or its characters. **

**I thought the show should have dealt more with Sandy's involvement in Kirsten's downward spiral. This is my first fanfic (just so you've been warned).**

He entered the house, his resolve firmly in place; it was time for a change. In his hands was a bright bouquet of flowers he hoped would put a smile on Kirsten's face. A real one, not these half-baked smiles that never quite reached her eyes. When was the last time he saw a genuine, heart-felt smile on her face? He couldn't recall. Guilt and sadness coursed through him with that thought. He shrugged those feelings off as he turned toward the only sound coming from the house.

His words echoed off the walls of a still house when he approached his wife lying prostrate on the coach. She didn't stir at all. His heart jumped in his throat as he approached her, calling her name softly. As he knelt down to try and physically wake her, he spied an empty cocktail glass. His suspicions confirmed when he took a whiff from it. Helpless, he examined her face. What was he going to do with her? She looked stressed even in sleep. Beneath her eyes were faint bruises indicating a lack of real sleep, her porcelain skin seemed tighter than usual, and her mouth frozen in a grim frown. How did it get this bad?

"_Let's get you to bed. One, two, three..."_ He lifted her completely limp body in his arms and started toward their bedroom. He couldn't help but notice how slight she had become. She had lost a lot of weight in the last few months. Guilt again assaulted him. Holding her close in his arms, for the first time in it seemed months, he just wanted to keep her there. Make everything better magically somehow. He hugged her to him and kissed her forehead. One thought kept running over and over again in his mind, what have I done?

As he deposited her on their bed, she finally woke, albeit for a brief moment. She tugged at his neck and said, _Sandy_, in a broken whisper. Who knew one word could hold so much longing and desperation? Sandy closed his eyes against the pain and whispered, _oh baby_. Kissing her again, he straightened, and after changing, crawled into bed with her. He spooned his body around hers and listened to her soft snores, as he got lost in thought.

How could he have been so oblivious? The more he thought about it, the more panicked he became. The empty wine bottles in the trash, the faint smell of alcohol on her breath, the vacant empty stares, and the forced cheeriness she tried to project whenever someone else entered the room. This has been going on for much longer than he thought. Guilt again plagued him as he berated himself for not realizing sooner, for not trying harder. For just sitting back, hoping that time would heal this. His optimism led him to miss how broken she had become. This whole year had been one hard knock after another. And the more he thought about it, the more self-loathing he felt. How could he have just let things be for so long?

The summer without the boys. Kirsten had lashed out at him with blame, but in his heart he knew that it was just a cover for the responsibility that she felt. It was in her nature to take the blame and shoulder the burden of guilt. Sandy was the only one who had ever gotten close enough to her to understand that about her. He failed to recognize it for what it was, and instead let the resentment and separateness between them grow.

When the boys returned, things slowly returned to some semblance of normalcy. Tensions eased, resentments waned. But life came between them again, before they could repair what was lost over the summer. The secrets of her father he was forced to keep in the name of his profession. He dreaded her knowing the truth because he knew how devastating it would be for her to know. The one good thing she believed about her father, his love for her mother, was not entirely true. What he could not have predicted and still did not realize was how deeply this revelation would rock her belief in her own relationship. As time went by after Chrimukkah, she tried her best to deal with it, to move on. But having your trust betrayed like that, finding out a fundamental truth in your life is false, creates lingering and nagging doubts about your own life and what you believe in.

Sandy thought back to their 20th anniversary. If the events of the past year had not happened, his forgetting would not have been quite as hurtful. They may have even been able to even laugh about it. She awoke that morning excited and hopeful. Determined reclaim the happiness that she and Sandy shared. When she realized what Sandy was doing, trying his best to cover up for the fact that he had forgotten, the disappointment felt like a punch to the gut. Guilt started in again as Sandy recalled the rest of that week, scrambling to try and make it up to her. He did his best to redeem himself, but he knew the damage was done. She eventually came around, trying to believe that his forgetfulness was a simple mistake and not a more deep-rooted problem. But in her mind, the doubts grew.

And then, Rebecca. The guilt tied a knot in his stomach Sandy as he recalled those weeks when Rebecca had returned to his life. For a while there, he had managed to keep what he was doing for Rebecca and his relationship with Kirsten separate in his mind. He convinced himself that his actions toward Rebecca were founded in the desire to help a friend rather than the lingering obligation of first love. The more time he and Rebecca spent together, the grayer his feelings became. It became harder and harder to separate the friendship he felt for Rebecca from the love they shared all those years ago. In denial about his confusion, he kept telling himself that he was just trying to help a friend. He didn't want to admit that his feelings were becoming muddled. Deep down he must have known this because he kept it from her as long as he could. He didn't tell Kirsten about Rebecca because he knew that once she found out, she would see right through his self-delusions. She knew what was happening. Sandy got lost in his good intentions and didn't realize that he was damaging the most precious thing in his life. His marriage. He took it for granted. He took Kirsten for granted. His chest tightened like a vise when he realized that, for all intents and purposes, he was to blame for what might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. Things between him and Kirsten never really recovered.

Weeks went by, Sandy kept hoping with time things would get better. But Kirsten seemed to be getting more and more distant. Not so much in what she would say, but in her manner. She never seemed fully engaged. He couldn't seem to draw her out of her shell. He didn't know what to do; she had never been this way with him. He had seen her draw her walls up with almost everyone else, but with him, she had never been anything other than almost childlike in her openness. As Sandy lay there, feeling her breathe in his arms, he was finally beginning to understand the depth of hurt he must of caused her when he pulled away from her. The one person in her life, whom she trusted implicitly, could be herself with, turned away from her. How that must have felt.

Sandy pressed a kiss in her hair and vowed that he would never, ever turn away from her again. He wanted to be that person she would turn to. The person whom she trusted above all others. It was his place, his calling in life. He forgot that for a moment, but he was going to do whatever it took to prove to her that he believed and wanted that with every fiber in his being. As Sandy drifted off to sleep, uneasiness settled in. He had no idea how he was going to prove to her his devotion, and he was afraid of what it may take to do just that.


	2. Chapter 2

"_You left me_!"

The hurt and despair in her words still echoing in his head. The anger and frustration he was feeling mere moments before was replaced with gut-wrenching guilt immediately upon hearing those words. Sandy slammed his hand down on the kitchen counter with frustration. In spite of his vow the night before, he let his anger and jealousy get the better of him. When Kirsten turned away from him that morning, he let his frustration feed his thoughts. Her reaction to Carter's name started a tailspin of emotion in Sandy. A sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach formed as he considered that possibility of something happening between Kirsten and Carter. All day tortuous thoughts filled his head: all those long nights they worked together on the magazine, the trip to Featherbrook, the timing of it all. Just when she needed someone. Someone other than Sandy. Carter appeared. It seemed only natural. Only human, for her to turn to him. And now, that he was gone, she appeared to have just shut down. He was losing her, that much he knew. When he walked into the house, he let it all of it boil over and confronted her. He did not mean for it to go that way.

His head snapped up when he realized that she had left. His blood ran cold when he realized that in all likelihood she had not been sober. He had noticed how slowly and deliberately she rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed his keys and went out the door. He was going to find her.

* * *

_Kirsten?_

Sandy heard brakes, the crunch of metal, and then, the line went dead. His heart stopped.

Oh my god.

_Kirsten? Kirsten?_ He could not stop saying her name.

* * *

"_I thought I was losing you..."_

Their last conversation was echoing in his head as Sandy sat in the emergency room. After driving around in a panic, he had started calling the hospital emergency rooms. Finally, he found where they had taken her. But after arriving almost 2 hours ago he still hadn't been able to see her. All he knew was that according to the nurse in the ER she did not have any life threatening injuries and surgery was not going to be required. That gave him some bit of comfort, but he still wouldn't feel whole until he was able to hold her hand.

_Mr. Cohen? _Sandy's head snapped up at the doctor's inquiry. The doctor went on to say that Kirsten had been asking for him, but she was on some pretty powerful painkillers so she was currently asleep. As the doctor led him to her room, he explained the extent of her injuries. And the extent to which she had been drinking. Sandy knew they would soon have to deal with the authorities, but for now all he was just filled with gratitude that she was going to be okay. He slowly entered her room, unsure of how she would receive him. Sorrow hit him in the gut once more as he realized again just how estranged they had become. As he looked upon her sleeping form, he could see the huge bruise on her forehead and could see that her left hand was bandaged. He felt tears spring to his eyes as he brought her hand to his mouth for a kiss. God, he loved this woman so much.

She stirred as she felt someone holding her hand and smoothing back her hair. She opened her eyes to see Sandy, his big blue eyes red-rimmed and tear-filled. Immediately, guilt consumed her as she began to realize what she must have put him through. What had she done? It all seems almost silly now. Looking into his eyes, she knew in her heart that he loved her. How could she have doubted that? Looking at the man smiling at her and whispering to her, _thank God you're okay. I love you so much baby_. She knew she loved him too. For the first time, in a long time, she no longer felt numb and felt a rush of love for the man holding her hand. Tears started falling from her eyes as she whispered back, _I'm so sorry, Sandy. I love you too._

* * *

Kirsten was lying on their bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to sleep. Since coming back from the hospital, it almost felt like that last four months hadn't happened. Except for the pounding in her head and the fact that she couldn't use her left hand. Sandy was being super attentive, taking off from work to take care of her. When he was in the room, he could not not touch her. It was as if he needed the constant reassurance that she was flesh and bone, right there next to him. As much as Kirsten hated being coddled she soaked it up. The months of estrangement between the two of them left her starving for his affection and love. Even though he was there that whole time offering, she had refused it. Shut him out. It was how she dealt with things. Just removing herself from the situation. Finally admitting to him how scared she was when she thought she was losing him was enough to bring those walls down. Slowly but surely she felt herself opening up to him and letting him in.

She knew he was deeply worried about her and her drinking. It was so unnecessary; she didn't have a problem. Granted, it definitely got a little out of hand the night before, but only because of their confrontation. Normally, she would have never driven after drinking. And maybe she had been depending on the numbing affects of alcohol to deal with life a little too much lately, but she could stop. And if Sandy needed proof, then she could get rid of all the alcohol in the house. She didn't need it.

Kirsten shut her eyes and tried to ignore the growing anxiousness in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

Kirsten stood shaking in the kitchen as she heard her father leave. Her heart was pounding and the adrenaline from their fight was still coursing through her body. The anxiousness in her grew and all she could think about was the vodka that she and Sandy had poured down the sink earlier. She started racking her brain for some she may have forgotten to get rid of, but then Sandy walked in and wrapped her in his arms. _It'll be okay baby. You know these tiffs with your father blow over. _Kirsten closed her eyes and tried to relax in his arms even though she had a sinking feeling that this was one argument that would not be okay. She tried to ignore her father's words that were repeating themselves in her head. _Her mother was an alcoholic. _Kirsten knew deep down that her father was right. She tried to ignore it, deny it, and she never acknowledged it. One of many things the Nichol family never talked about. She buried her face in Sandy's shoulder as she tried to quell the anxiousness that was growing in the pit of her stomach. She tried to ignore the fact that all she wanted was a sip of vodka to make her forget the mess of her life.

* * *

"_What are we gonna do with you?"_

Kirsten froze at the question and looked at her husband. Sandy had changed from the person she left to take a bath just half an hour before. She suddenly saw her purse and realized what he must have found in there. Instantly, she felt her defenses go up and started feeling anger and resentment for not being trusted.

"_Right now I feel more like your dad than I feel like your husband." _His words repeating themselves in her brain as he went to answer the phone. She couldn't believe that he uttered them, is that really what he thought? He has blown this drinking thing so out of proportion. She could stop but on her terms.

The tone of his voice when he answered Julie jolted Kirsten out of her thoughts, and with a sick sense of dread, she knew something awful happened. Immediately, she thought of her father and their parting words. Her heart started pounding in her ears as she heard Sandy's side of the conversation. The stricken look that Sandy gave her when he hung up was enough for Kirsten to know what he was going to say. And just like that, Kirsten disappeared in her shell. Sandy could almost see it happen. He tried to reach out to her, but she shrank away. Unable to process anything, the only thing Kirsten could think about was the vodka bottle on the kitchen table. All she knew was that bottle would mean the end to the ringing in her ears. An end to the guilt eating up her insides. An end to the gut-wrenching realization of never being able to take back her words and make it okay.

As Sandy watched her walk away, he never felt more afraid for her. His heart wanted to reach out to her and take away some of the pain he saw etched on her face. It hurt him that she didn't want any of it. His touch was no longer a source of comfort. Alcohol was. And that shook him to his very core.

He approached their bedroom with a sense of dread, not really knowing what to expect. He found her lying on her side. The now empty vodka bottle open on the nightstand. He knelt next to her. She rolled over so that she was no longer facing him and started speaking in a monotone voice, _we'll have to make arrangements. He really liked the church he and Julie got married in. We need to tell the boys. There's nothing we can do at the moment, so I'll start in the morning. _With that, she fell silent and closed her eyes.

His heart broke for her. Her complete silence and withdrawal scared the shit out of him. He wanted so badly to hold her, help her. He decided then that he had to do something. She may end up hating him, but at least she would get the help she needed.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were hell for Sandy. He was pretty sure that Kirsten would barely remember them. In the days between the phone call and Caleb's funeral, Kirsten managed to put up a very composed front. It was amazing to Sandy because he also knew just how much alcohol she was consuming. It also amazed him that as far as he could tell their sons and friends had no idea. It seemed so obvious to him that she was just a shell of herself functioning out of necessity. But, then again, he also knew that for some time he too was oblivious to her problem. And that tore at him.

At night he wanted so badly to hold her that he would wait until she was passed out to gather her in his arms. But always when he woke, she had managed to escape his embrace and was as far away as she could manage while still being in the bed.

For Kirsten, the days between the phone call and the funeral were a blur. There was a portion of her brain knew that Sandy was just trying to help her, be there for her. But, a larger, more overwhelming part of her was consumed with anger and resentment toward Sandy. Angry at the looks he gave her as she drank. Angry that the reason why she hadn't fixed things with her father right away was because Sandy convinced her not to. Resenting the fact that he could sit there on his high horse and tell her that she was acting like a child. Bitter at the thought of Sandy mourning her father, he had always disliked the man. It all seemed so fake to her. Mourning the loss of this man that nearly everyone despised or feared.

She knew that she was using the alcohol to numb herself. But she also felt entitled. Her father just died. Anyone can understand the need for alcohol after such a traumatic event. She didn't want to think of the future. Of what would happen once the funeral was over. All she knew was that to get through the next hour, the next minute, she needed alcohol to function. Otherwise the guilt, the grief, and the regret would choke her.

* * *

"_Get your hands off me!"_

Sandy stood there, dejected and shocked at Kirsten's violent refusal of his help. Watching his wife get led away by Jimmy and Julie, a tremendous sense of loss filled him. Never in his life did he think that Kirsten would reject his help over the help of Jimmy and Julie. Never. Had he lost her forever? Were they going to get through this? He never felt so helpless in his life.

He couldn't stand the eyes on him any longer, so he followed them toward their bedroom. Their door was closed and he could hear Julie trying to coax Kirsten into changing into pajamas. Jimmy slipped out of the bedroom and sat next to Sandy who was sitting on the steps holding his head in his hands. Ten minutes later Julie came out. _She's asleep now._

_Thanks, Julie. _Sandy looked at the woman whom he had always disliked with real gratitude. Say what you will about Julie Cooper, but when it comes down to it the woman does have a heart.

_Are you going to be okay? Is there anything we can do?_ Sandy asks them to clear out the party, he wants to stay with Kirsten and avoid facing everyone who just witnessed her breakdown. Julie gives his hand a squeeze and says that she understands.

Sandy enters their bedroom. Kirsten is passed out on the wrong side of the bed. He strips himself of his clothes and slides in next to her. He knows what he has to do and that guts him. As he gathers her in his arms and buries his face in her hair, he realizes that he probably won't be able to hold her like this for a very long time.

* * *

"_Mom, please. You've got to do this."_

With Seth's words hanging in the air, Sandy saw Kirsten's last bit of resolve crumble. He saw her wrinkle her nose in a last ditch effort to gain control. When she couldn't, she wrapped her arms around her middle and folded as her body shook with deep, gut wrenching sobs. He approached her and let her lean on him. And, for the first time since her father died, she let him hold her. Seth came to lay a comforting hand on his mother's back. Ryan and Hailey followed. Sandy looked at them and knew that somehow they would help her through this.

The boys approached her as she said her goodbye to Hailey. Looking at them, the guilt and grief returned as she felt her eyes well up with tears once again. She couldn't believe how low she was and how removed from their lives she had become. She wished she could take back her words to Ryan, and as she threw her arms around both boys, she gave him an extra squeeze hoping that he understood. She resolved that in time she would make it up to them. She would return stronger.

* * *

Sandy looked around her room as she nervously put her things away. He was babbling about thread count but he really had no idea what he was talking about. He never felt more scared. And he had never seen Kirsten so petrified. The awkwardness between them was overwhelming, and she couldn't look him in the eyes. Suddenly there was a knock at the door and they both jumped.

_"I'm so sorry, Sandy, what I said to you, and put you through...," _she faltered.Sandy couldn't stand to hear the words. He hoped by the end of this he would be able to really apologize and absolve himself of the guilt he felt. He knew he was responsible for much of what led her to be in this place. But there was no time for that now. All he could do is reassure her that he would always be there. He loved her more than his own life, and he was willing to do anything to help her get her life back.

Saying their goodbyes, Sandy took her face in his hands and kissed her softly and sweetly. Even though leaving her there was the hardest thing he ever had to do, in his heart, he knew this was for the best. He looked deep in her eyes and saw all her doubts and fears. He asked fate to give them both the strength to get through this. Looking in his eyes, she saw his overwhelming love and the belief that she was strong enough to get through this. As she watched him walk away, she made up her mind that she would do whatever it took to be healthy again and be able to return to her family better and stronger.


End file.
